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A Blank Page

It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.  -Chuck Palahniuk Yesterday, a variation of a similar phrase hit me like a one-two punch: "She'll be okay." "You'll be okay." After returning home from the memorials of my dad and Bill, I felt like I couldn't breathe, let alone feel okay.  But,… Continue reading A Blank Page

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Reflections from the Desert

The long and windy road, steep with curves, valleys and potholes, ends abruptly as I veer off a cliff into an abyss so dark I cannot maneuver. His death wasn’t a Hollywood ending. It wasn’t filtered with soft words spoken before one slowly drifted into the afterlife. It was not the ‘happily into eternity’ I prayed, or envisioned. I… Continue reading Reflections from the Desert

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Strong to the Finish

A friend asked if I'd share what I shared at Bill's memorials.  The following are the words I hoped would express this man's strength, while at his weakest. I feel a time of hibernation on the horizon, so until we meet again...   I noticed a partial doodle of a cartoon character on a piece of… Continue reading Strong to the Finish

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Death Threw an Unexpected Curve Ball

I want to tell you about my dad needing to go to ER, feeling anxious to be comforted by you, only to realize you are not able to comfort me. I feel so alone without you.  Watching you breathe, knowing you won't be able to take care of my hurts with a mere hug. ... My… Continue reading Death Threw an Unexpected Curve Ball

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An Unexpected Love Letter

I noticed the paper, folded in half, with only my name on the outside.  I quickly closed the laptop, not ready to read its contents. Eventually though, I open it and absorb his words. Words carefully penned from Bill to me. As you know, I'm the wordy one. What you may not know is Bill… Continue reading An Unexpected Love Letter

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Desperately Seeking Miracle (A Gethsemane Type Prayer)

For the life of me, her words elude me. Did she say, "It won't be long." Or was it more like, "It will be soon." What did she say?  This is too important to forget. That, and what did she mean anyway? She, being a Hospice nurse. They came to the house on Monday. I was Hospice trained while living… Continue reading Desperately Seeking Miracle (A Gethsemane Type Prayer)

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Peace When Life is in Pieces

"I know Bubba. I know. “ Oscar, AKA Bubba, stands in the doorway as if reading my thoughts.  Yes, he may be a Border Collie, but it is as if he knows something is just not right. For days I contemplate writing.  Something.  Anything.  Yet my words fall short and fragmented. The days are abrupt and… Continue reading Peace When Life is in Pieces

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Sometimes it Takes a Village

Our little tree, which was planted last year, began to bloom yesterday. I’d wondered after the cold winter days if she would bloom at all. Yet, even with the adversity of harsh temperatures, she managed to persevere into colorful beauty. The past week has been one of the most difficult yet. Days of weakness and discomfort… Continue reading Sometimes it Takes a Village

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Emotions in Motion

My emotions at any given moment vary like a spring weather report. Moment by moment, emotions in motion. I ran into a friend in the grocery store the other day, and after a nice long and needed hug, she asked how I was doing. I share that often it feels surreal, like an out-of-body experience, while… Continue reading Emotions in Motion

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Hope

Our short-lived adventure wasn't nearly as climactic as the movie, The Bucket List, when two terminally-ill patients, Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, decided to leave their cares curbside and embarked on an adventurous itinerary to fill their brief timeline left in life. Maybe that's what I hoped for when our luggage-packed Jeep, named Betty, left the driveway for… Continue reading Hope

encouragement · hope

Acknowledging Grief

I enter the room, carefully maneuvering around the land mine of a familiar face, which I desire to avoid for fear familiarity will cause an explosion to my composure. I make my way to a corner to hide in the wide-open, when the gracious host walks my way and asks how I am doing. "I… Continue reading Acknowledging Grief

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Pity says, “When it rains it pours.”

You know the saying, "When it rains, it pours. .." Well, I have an abscess that's requiring a root canal.  Yes, it seems as if another tooth lost its war in my mouth. And, if you knew my aversion to dentistry, even though my dearly loved father-in-law was an expert in the field, you'd understand.… Continue reading Pity says, “When it rains it pours.”

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Prayer Works

The past few days have been processed in small increments--only allowing myself to go so far into the depths, and instead staying closest to the shallow end. Still, I've pondered the medicinal side of things, and all the remedies that seemed to only feed the cancerous cells, while simultaneously destroying Bill's taste buds. He's had to endure the… Continue reading Prayer Works

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Noticing God in an Otherwise Ordinary Moment

  The day sneaked up on the calendar without time to appropriately send my “I cannot attend because of…(fill in suitable excuse).” It is a Bible study, which, offered in a friend’s home, will hopefully extinguish the bubble of self-created seclusion I desperately want removed.  I haven’t been part of a community in some time,… Continue reading Noticing God in an Otherwise Ordinary Moment

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The Other Side of Illness

  She was a hero of faith, a sweet lady who spoke of her mundane faithfulness, on a blog site titled with the same name. Her name: Kara Tippetts. Just an ordinary wife and mother caught up in the ravages of cancer, her intensely painful story enveloped her followers in a certain intimacy that is… Continue reading The Other Side of Illness

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The Unspoken Rules of Disengagement

I saw an excellent movie the other night, titled, ‘A Monster Calls'.  I read this eclectic book of illustrations, intermixed with words, in under 48 hours.  Very few times does a movie's quality compete with the writing, but this was an exception to the rule. Basically, without a spoiler alert, it is a story of a boy and… Continue reading The Unspoken Rules of Disengagement

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Filling Up with Avoidance

Apparently, red wine therapy seems no longer as effective. It used to be a glass would nearly knock me off my feet if not sipped slowly over several hours. Now, I can take down two glasses in the same duration, and still stay somewhat composed. Add to that, I’m up three pounds. Okay, three pounds… Continue reading Filling Up with Avoidance

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I’m Not a Cook, I’m Just a Critic

Bill made dinner the other night, which is quite common in our household as I try to avoid burners and ovens and such.  Most evenings consist of the most basic of ingredients, which include a version of a meat, starch, and veggie. This night though, he decided to replicate a dish he saw from the show, ‘Chopped’.… Continue reading I’m Not a Cook, I’m Just a Critic

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Fear Threats

The summer between 7th and 8th grade, I received a call from someone who clearly knew me, yet, wanted to remain anonymous on her end. I tethered my fingers tightly around the brown-tinged yellow cord, causing my indented fingers to turn white from loss of blood flow, as each word incrementally raised my pulse. White was also… Continue reading Fear Threats

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Obscurity Breach

  “It’s been quiet lately, Lord.” Not a complaint, or a petition for intervention. More of an expressive sigh from heartache as of late. What I would do for something, anything from God, to know He is near. A knock at the door hours later, indicated by the bellowing bark of Oscar the unruly Border, revealed… Continue reading Obscurity Breach