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Write Where I Am

I found myself doing it again–contriving a blog post on a musing of life when I felt a slight cringe underneath the surface.

I can’t do this.  I cannot write another post omitting the mess from my mess.

I need to write where I am right now.

Truth be told, I am a mess on multiple fronts.

I am afraid. Yes, afraid. Afraid that maybe my husband might not make it through this cancer, and I am overwhelmed at the thought. So, I dismiss it as best as I can by avoidance, dismissal, an extra glass of wine, a smile, sleep, work, running, etc.

I feel like a hypocrite ministering to adults and children all the while seeing my very own stumble onto the broad path.

I am frustrated by rejection with my church. Why won’t they respond with a formal rejection letter? Isn’t this the proper response to someone’s request for employment?

I am angry at someone (you know who you are).  When I shared of Hubby’s cancer, you didn’t blink an eye, or say a word for that matter. No, not one. I feel like a lost sheep scattering about in furor without a shepherd.

I am discouraged that over half of my life was wasted in the vain attempt to please others, so to be liked, and while I succeeded, I’ve felt the fraud of self.

I am not proud of my issues. I wrestle with my thoughts. I hope to learn and live better because of them.

I wonder though, if I miss the purpose of writing.

To write where I am.

In the midst of this mess called life.

I came across and interesting side-note today while reading about the Pharisees and the adulterous woman debacle–

(The earliest manuscripts do not include 7:53-8:11)

IMG_0003

Why was this scandalous passage omitted from the original text?

Was it too raw for the earliest readers to digest?

I don’t know.

But, it is here, in the midst of the mess, that I wish to sit.

The places I do not desire to document are perhaps the exact places I need to delve. (If not, I will delete this post from all existence :))

Love,

A Messy Child of God

 

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3 thoughts on “Write Where I Am

  1. A few thoughts for you my old friend…stop judging yourself so harshly. It’s perfectly ok to have fears, disappointments and frustrations. You are human and that is all part of this wonderful, messy life. As far as recognizing the “fraud of self”, take this as an excellent revelation on a journey to be more authentic (I’m working on this one myself! 😉 You are an awesome person Josie 😘. ~Kris
    P.S. I’d love to hear an update on how Bill is doing.

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