Wrestling With Decisions

Have you ever made a decision, which at the moment felt totally right and sure, and then moments later, your elation faded to doubt in a whirlwind of “what if?”

So, the gist of it was various people approached me over a period of about a month, each with accolades about the performance in my former position, with the hope I’d return since this former position was open again–

Which, who am I fooling here, swelled my insides with sentiment to know someone thought so highly of me.

So, I did what we Christians do when we have no idea what to do–we put out ‘a fleece’ which sometimes I wonder is actually doubt dressed in the attire of, “God, make this, and this and this and this happen, and I will know it is you and I will follow you.”

Mine went somewhat like this:

“Okay, God if this is You, and You want me back there, have them contact me.”

Wouldn’t you know it, one day when I least expected it, I received a message from their search team asking if I would be interested.

So, after a phone conversation explaining why this may not be me, I relented and in an impulsive move, sent in my resume before I had time to change my mind.

Then the waiting began.  Days drifted into doubt and fear and soon my impulsive move shifted into insecurity.

What if they end up actually hiring me?

Well, that’s a good thing, right?  I mean, why in the world would I even entertain the thought if I didn’t want the outcome?

I feel like air without breath.  Nothing seems to make the chest rise and lower in anticipation of tomorrow.

It could be the instability of the landscape which I currently reside. Do I really want to pour myself into a ministry when that would take away from precious time with Hubby?

I am tired already.

It could be depression making its appearance to cause havoc–kinda like kicking me while I’m already down.


I don’t know.

Decisions.  Which one is the right one?  Is there only one option?  How do we know for sure?

I guess we don’t.

The other night around 2:00am, after wrestling for hours with insomnia, I felt my breath slowly return to normal, knowing I don’t have to have it all figured out.