My emotions at any given moment vary like a spring weather report.
Moment by moment, emotions in motion.
I ran into a friend in the grocery store the other day, and after a nice long and needed hug, she asked how I was doing.
I share that often it feels surreal, like an out-of-body experience, while other times I actually feel ok, and then my stability betrays me with a chokehold of anxiety causing adrenaline to raise my heartbeat and breathing pattern, until quickly returning to normal–leaving me near exhaustion. And truth is, sometimes the emotions fluctuate between the three, multiple times throughout a single day.
To illustrate, I’ve included two recent writings. One appears entirely desperate, while the other feels full of promise and hope. Both speak truth.
His livelihood is leaking out like a slow leak in a tire, and I just can’t seem to find the hole to repair it. At first it was hardly noticeable. But now it is noticeably near flat.
I want to be excited about Hawaii, but I’m not sure he’ll be strong enough to go, and honestly, part of me would rather just stay here.
It is like you are slowly fading away.
You no longer work out.
You no longer work.
You count the months in your head, until the invisible deadline arrives you’ve drawn in the sand of time.
You cannot bend over without a headache.
You cannot walk up stairs without losing breath and energy.
You fall asleep before prime time TV arrives on the screen.
You are slowly fading away from this life.
I am so sad.
I feel you giving up in a way.
There are times I look at you and feel excruciating pain within.
I wish you had the energy you had before cancer took over your body.
I long for the days I would be angry with you for doing stupid stuff.
Oh, how I wish you would do something to irritate me again so I could feel the anguish that lasts only for a moment. And then make up just as quickly and float about in bliss of true love.
Instead, I watch you leave me.
One day at a time.
Months ago our grill died. It lived a long life and fed us many-a-grilled meat, so imagine my surprise when I arrived home one day to our new grill on the deck. Fully expecting a newer, prettier version of stainless steel, and instead noticed a big, green, round, ugly egg. Actually it’s name is, The Big Green Egg. What in the world?
This oblong object quickly became the newest gadget of his desire. I may be green with envy. Maybe. Or just maybe my palate passionately despises smoked food.
Anyway, knowing my aversion to her cooking, Bill decides to take it upon himself to find a suitable companion for me in stainless steel, and we can sell the green monster. I’m good with that.
But something interesting happens while gazing at sleek steely grills at the bbq store. Out of the corner of my eye I see a particular accessory. A pizza stone. Apparently this green egg has the ability to cook pizza.
To be honest, it peaks my curiosity, when the salesman closes the deal by telling me that Grimaldi’s Pizza uses the same type of approach to cook their pizza, and since this happens to be my favorite pizza on the planet, let’s just say I drool a bit.
So, I am now an eager student to Bill, the Grill Master, Barone and his green sidekick.
Not only that, he’s showing me how to change vents (ok, I mention this to a friend and she is so impressed, until she realizes I actually mean filters and not the vent itself. Enter laughter here 🙂 ), and pay bills online. I’m pretty sure the last time I had this responsibility we had dial-up internet service.
It seems his sole purpose in life is to make me stronger for a time when I cannot rely on his strength.
After the grocery store, we went home and he went straight to bed. Which brings us full circle–to fading away.