Desperately Seeking Miracle (A Gethsemane Type Prayer)

For the life of me, her words elude me.

Did she say, “It won’t be long.”

Or was it more like, “It will be soon.”

What did she say?  This is too important to forget. That, and what did she mean anyway? She, being a Hospice nurse. They came to the house on Monday.

I was Hospice trained while living in South Dakota.  I’ve always had a tender heart for the hurting and thought this was an avenue to be of help.  Didn’t know it would be my own husband when my training would be most utilized.

Anyway, the question was put out there on how much time they thought he had left, like we were calculating something as simple as a mortgage rate.

That is when she made reference to his time being short.

Really, it is not as if it is any surprise.  We know it is not long.

“Personally I want it over.”  These words exit Bill’s mouth.  I cannot blame him. Pain can make life unbearable.   I wonder if it is death he desires, or an end to his pain.

Even those who are suicidal, do they really desire death, or is it more of a longing to depart from living in turmoil, which causes one to want to prematurely end oneself?

I woke up the other morning thinking of King Hezekiah.  He was given a short time to get his affairs in order because he was given a death sentence.

His fate was forecasted, and he earnestly begged for his fatality to be at a future date.

And God gave him an additional 15 years to his life.

Now, there is speculation on whether this was a good thing in the end, as this king did not end on a good note.  His legacy was tarnished by pride along with offspring that happened to be one of the worst in Israel’s history of kingship.

So, I asked Bill what he would do if he had another 15 years.  He said he wouldn’t want to live like this, referencing the pain of cancer.

I assured him I don’t believe that would be a miraculous healing to live for years upon years in intense pain.

He said he would proclaim Jesus.

We began praying for a miracle.  Don’t get me wrong, we have been praying for this all along.  But, without any other options on the table, this prayer is desperate.

I think of the desperation of Hezekiah, or even King David, when the course of his son’s life was determined to end soon, David continued to beg God to intervene until the very end.

Unfortunately, David didn’t receive the same answer as Hezekiah.

Hezekiah was yes, David was no.

I think of Jesus, in the garden, on his knees, dripping of anguish, desperate–expressing his desire for the cup to pass from him.

His wasn’t only a matter of life and death, but so much more.

Still, through it all, his heart was one with His Father.

My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.

Afterward, he rose from the garden, and went onto a torturous death.

So we may live forever in His Presence.

The soil is prime for a God-size miracle.

A Gethsemane-type prayer is prayed.  Raw.  Desperate.  Through tear-stained eyes.

Maybe it will be the physical healing we so desire. If not, our hearts are focused on a future when the existence of pain and suffering will be extinct.

In the meantime, I try to be like Jesus, asking, but accepting all the same.

One thought on “Desperately Seeking Miracle (A Gethsemane Type Prayer)

  1. Hugs!

    In tears I’m on my knees joining you in this Gethsemane prayer for you both.

    I don’t just pray as a family member. I don’t just pray knowing you are one of the few that Paul holds dear to his heart from his family. But I pray as one who has walked down a similar path and was met with the unexpected hope.

    On Easter Morning 2008, I begged God to take me home. My illness was unbearable. Paul left for church that morning and we expected that I would not be alive when he returned. We were ready for death but only because of exhaustion and a three year long daily battle for my life.

    But as I talked to God, my desperate plea for death turned into a Gethsamane prayer. Hope?
    God? I’m listening…but if I live I plead for no more illness…only heal me if you truly remove this illness, truly HEAL me. Otherwise please take me on to Heaven.

    God and I had talked many times about this. But this day, He urged me to ask for a miracle instead me urging Him. And to be honest, He had to do a lot of convincing. Because I was so done being ill. The pain was beyond tolerance. And my family was ready for it to be done. There’s a point when it’s time to die. We had been there for awhile.

    But why was God now wanting me to hope? My hope had been crushed so many times and now I was sooooo tired. My body was soooooo done. But God was urging me to try one more time to hope. It almost felt cruel to get my hopes up again only to be met with more pain and death’s grip.

    But ok, I tried. And God began to fill hope into my dying soul. And dreams of watching my daughter grow up WITH ME ALIVE was where I felt God hold my hand and helped me dream. Yet it soon became ok, even if this was just dreaming with God,. Peace and hope were gently pouring into me. I was not sure if this was a pleasant time with God before He took me home or if this was really going to turn into a miracle of healing. But either way, His will was what I wanted.

    And He was with me. Either way.

    Hours passed as God and I spent Easter together.

    Hey…and I wasn’t dead! Wait! How? My daily pain was still there but there was SOMETHING very, very subtle happening.

    It took over a year and a half before I could do normal things on a regular basis. But THAT EASTER He began to heal me. Really heal me. It was a long hard road of recovery which showed even me how impossibly ill I had been. That it was a miracle I could even be alive for those three years being THAT ill!!!

    Every breathe I take is Him. It’s a constant miracle that I’m alive. I am a different person. I should not be here breathing and living yet I AM. I live constantly in that knowledge of this ongoing miracle. Every breath I feel Him.

    So today…Lord, would you do for Bill and Josie what you did for Paul and me? Is it too much to ask? You have a plan. We want YOUR plan. Everyday we celebrate You because I live. Everywhere I go, it is You that lives in me, celebrating You. Is it your will for Bill to get to be your walking miracle too?

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