The long and windy road, steep with curves, valleys and potholes, ends abruptly as I veer off a cliff into an abyss so dark I cannot maneuver.
His death wasn’t a Hollywood ending. It wasn’t filtered with soft words spoken before one slowly drifted into the afterlife. It was not the ‘happily into eternity’ I prayed, or envisioned.
I hoped we would be alongside each other as he reached for my hand, and I reached for his, and he longingly turned his head to lock eyes, when a small smile briefly emerged before his body stilled, and his eyes closed as his soul entered Heaven.
Instead, the last moments sent me in a whirlwind. After I arrived home, after days away in another state to celebrate the life of both my dad and Bill, I was exhausted, and fell into a quicksand of hurt so deep I wasn’t sure I’d climb my way out.
Honestly, I still feel this way.
But, I believe the same God who guides the good times, is also there in the grief, waiting to hold us close in His comforting arms.
Days before Bill left this earth, a “breadcrumb” of hope appeared on my front porch– in the form of a Bible, delivered by an anonymous angel. I believe it may be the tool in which God will utilize to transition my mourning into joy again.
I was at my lowest on second night home. The shock and numb gave way to a sorrow so intense, I’ve never likened it to anything to date. Sadness debilitated all senses; even of God and His nearness.
I felt the pang of death overtake me. The desire to die to be with him overwhelmed me, and I didn’t desire to fight its pull.
If it wasn’t for his final letter, which urged me to stay the course, I may have followed through…
I want you to be strong and live a beautiful, fulfilling life.
Standing in my bathroom, I cried out to my God, acknowledging my proposal of ending it all. But, overriding that thought, a declaration rose up from within. I am not sure it was entirely from me, or one planted there from the One Above,
I will give you a year, Lord.
This is where the new Bible comes in.
I’ve read through the Bible on a few occasions, the last couple of times in 90-day spurts. But I’ve found a reading plan that travels about the pages in a completely different way. It is in this daily reading that I pray and expect Him to show up and meet me here, until, at the end of a year, my desire to live will no longer be in question.
God, I’m giving You one year to rekindle the desire to live again.
Maybe on the final day, I will be like George Baily from, It’s a Wonderful Life, crying out in the location where only earlier he attempts to end his life, with fists rubbing his crying eyes, saying, “I want to live again.”
Lord, I too want to live again.