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Reflections from the Desert

The long and windy road, steep with curves, valleys and potholes, ends abruptly as I veer off a cliff into an abyss so dark I cannot maneuver.

His death wasn’t a Hollywood ending. It wasn’t filtered with soft words spoken before one slowly drifted into the afterlife. It was not the ‘happily into eternity’ I prayed, or envisioned.

I hoped we would be alongside each other as he reached for my hand, and I reached for his, and he longingly turned his head to lock eyes, when a small smile briefly emerged before his body stilled, and his eyes closed as his soul entered Heaven.

Instead, the last moments sent me in a whirlwind. After I arrived home, after days away in another state to celebrate the life of both my dad and Bill, I was exhausted, and fell into a quicksand of hurt so deep I wasn’t sure I’d climb my way out.

Honestly, I still feel this way.

But, I believe the same God who guides the good times, is also there in the grief, waiting to hold us close in His comforting arms.

Days before Bill left this earth, a “breadcrumb” of hope appeared on my front porch– in the form of a Bible, delivered by an anonymous angel. I believe it may be the tool in which God will utilize to transition my mourning into joy again.

I was at my lowest on second night home.  The shock and numb gave way to a sorrow so intense, I’ve never likened it to anything to date. Sadness debilitated all senses; even of God and His nearness.

I felt the pang of death overtake me. The desire to die to be with him overwhelmed me, and I didn’t desire to fight its pull.

If it wasn’t for his final letter, which urged me to stay the course, I may have followed through…

I want you to be strong and live a beautiful, fulfilling life.

Standing in my bathroom, I cried out to my God, acknowledging my proposal of ending it all. But, overriding that thought, a declaration rose up from within.  I am not sure it was entirely from me, or one planted there from the One Above,

I will give you a year, Lord.

This is where the new Bible comes in.

I’ve read through the Bible on a few occasions, the last couple of times in 90-day spurts. But I’ve found a reading plan that travels about the pages in a completely different way. It is in this daily reading that I pray and expect Him to show up and meet me here, until, at the end of a year, my desire to live will no longer be in question.

God, I’m giving You one year to rekindle the desire to live again.

Maybe on the final day, I will be like George Baily from, It’s a Wonderful Life, crying out in the location where only earlier he attempts to end his life, with fists rubbing his crying eyes, saying, “I want to live again.”

Lord, I too want to live again.

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3 thoughts on “Reflections from the Desert

    1. Simply God…he is all things to all people. He can seem complicated to us, but I don’t believe he is I believe we have made him that way. He is simple, he loves us and we love him…simply God allowing him to help heal. Give him a day, a week, a year…he is the God of wonder, we will revisit this time in your life and will be singing a joyful tune for the life you shared with Bill, it won’t be of sadness it will be if joy. Just know that the journey you are asking of God and that he is giving you, also comes with you’re family and friends who love you too. We too have been asking God where we can be an inspiration to you through this, he will use us for his glory, through you’re pain. You’re loving and devoted sister in body and soul.

  1. Dear precious Josie, I could feel you pain and grief when we hugged on Sunday. My heart was breaking for you. May God reach down and hold you in His arms during this time of extreme sorrow. May He comfort you as only HE can. As your friends and soul sisters, we will continue to. petition God in prayer that He will let you feel our love. This time of sorrow will pass in time. We love you! ❤️ Rosemary

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