(2) Journal Entry: May 11, 2017
Yesterday, Bill’s boss said a coworker commented that I was the strongest person he had met. I remarked, “hardly.” It could have been the after-shock of his death had still not registered beyond the surface, to the turmoil underneath.
I don’t feel strong at all.
I took a t-shirt last night and used it as a pillowcase to breathe him in. Laying beside this inanimate object that has the faintest scent of his nearness, it comforts me. Striving for intimacy from cotton–how’s that for strength?
“Where are you God? Your intimacy feels absent right now.”
Today’s reading is from the Job on his heartbreak leaving him bare, “Naked from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21
Maybe, just maybe, He’s right here with me. I just am not feeling His Presence at the moment.
This is my prayer:
“Either way, I know that You are near to the heartbroken. Keep me from breaking please. I want to bless You through burdens, trials–even in times of silence. I love you Lord. I don’t understand why Bill, why now. But I know he is with You now. Near.”
Maybe I am not as weak as I feel.