(49) Journal Entry: June 27, 2017

I read the following excerpt in a blog post (I believe it was Kara Tippett, but did not record the whereabouts to give appropriate credit…):

“She knew I would not give her her way, but she knew something else–that maybe just time in my arms would lessen the hold that want had on her. She knew that quietly rocking next to my heart would soften her heart in a way nothing else could.”

And later:

“So, as I rock my sweet loves, tears stream down my face, and I beg for the sweet grace to be present in that moment. I pray I could capture in the sweetness that it holds without the suffocating fear of not having the future moments.”

…

My struggle is with time.

Time in the distance seems suffocating.

Time without him here.

Times of longing for a former time.

Time.

If I drift back, or look forward, I feel the depth of loss and sorrow. I know I only have this moment in time, right here, right now.

If I could only allow the arms of my eternal Father to comfort me in my struggle with my finite hurt.

“Lord help me look no further then right now. Help me feel your comfort, allow your rest, enjoy this present moment for what it is.”

Today, I pick up a dear friend in Austin. Our plan is a quick trip to Waco, before settling into a hotel in Austin for the night. The thought consumes me with anxiety over not being home–with him. When she says I can bring Bill with me, and that she understands as she brought her dog’s ashes with her a long time after her death.

The idea settles me. I smile. Yes, he can come along in my suitcase.

…

Maybe this is more monumental then just ashes accompanying me on a short trip north. Maybe he will always accompany along in my heart–into tomorrow, and the rest of my days.

I find comfort in this.

My husband and best friend, Bill Barone, passed away from a long fight against cancer on April 29, 2017, at precisely 4:29am. The disease temporarily won out here on this planet, but since his ultimate residence is in Heaven, I am certain he won out.  These writings are a year-long commitment to find my way out of the darkness from his departure. 

Each entry is marked with a day and a date.  The first official entry was on May 9, 2017.