Thirteen months today since his departure, still counting time as a mom of a new baby does–in small, yet monumental, increments: Breathing, making it through a day without crying, smiling, talking in solo verses pair, etc. Each a significant milestone toward embracing life.
Every part of my being trying to move toward new beginnings with anticipation and excitement, instead of sighing at the look back, or better yet, being okay in the land of the limbo when the two intersect, without falling into despair.
Your calling is calling.
Did I hear this? Dream it? Recognize it? Or, was this a moment of awareness that usually catches me while entering slumber, when that significant something happens as all noise shuts down, left like a blaring light without the curtain of restraint.
The faint whisper of God to His girl, a reminder of something significant He spoke to me years’ before, but is reminding me it is on its way.
I sit here in Tay’s apartment this morning in the midst of what appears the aftermath of a storm, but is actually clutter of her upcoming move. The chaos everywhere sends the OCD in me on high-cortisol alert, aware of everything just a bit off.
I’ve traveled the five-hour journey north for some time. Many times a last minute escape from the reality of home without Bill. Like if I didn’t I would just die from the heartbreak.
Maybe because there aren’t many tangible memories of us here, times together that haunt me with awareness of a life that used to be, but is no more.
Except this small space on my morning run, the place that I receive a call from Bill, the day we discover cancer traveled from supposed remission, into the lung. The day that changed everything.
I was mid-run when the call came.
Still, this place of respite replenishes my soul, slowly giving me longings to live.
I am excited to have her near me again, still, I will miss this place.
But, like a baby without her pacifier, at first it will be a challenge, but over time hopefully she realizes she no longer needs it.
I am moving on to a new blog residence also. It is time.
Yes the new stories will still mix with yesterday’s memories, but like an adult who looks back at high school with fondness, hopefully the same will be for me in this space.
New address: Josiebarone.com. (There is really not much there as of yet, but I will give a head’s up when I share next…)