A Little Love Letter

Jesus,

You drew near to me one night while I lay alone in bed after an evening with an unknown man. I fought your former advances, but, on this occasion, well, I was just too tired. So instead, I allowed you to fully embrace me with your love.

Was it love at first sight for You?   

You would return often after this episode. Persistent you were.

Eventually, I gave up fighting Your advances, and gave in to Your love of me.

Why? That is the question. Why on earth do You love me as much as You do? Why? When I offer so little, You love so much.

You have loved me for as long as I remember.

But, I’ve loved You too.

Oh, I will never love You as much as You love me. And I think You are okay with this.

But, I will say, I will try with all I am to love You more.

You are undeniably my one true love.

Love, Josie

Sometimes It’s Hard to be a Good Christian Blogger

 

Sometimes it’s hard being a good Christian blogger.

I am not sure if it is because many writings are from former experiences, so the lapse of time and distance allows me to shave down the edginess to an appropriate scale of acceptability.

But, what I’ve learned about this strategy is this: Many years I lived a scaled-down version of myself. Like a Josie 2.0.

Scaling down hardships in order to bypass complete healing.  Scaling down the sins of others toward me in order to spontaneously forgive.

Moving on.

Going around Everest-sized mountains of disappointments without going through.

Sometimes we need to go through.

Face the pain head on. Feel it. Engage the senses. Make it through. Whether it is in regard to difficulties of life in general, or a sharp stab to the heart from another. They need to be fully embraced.

Now, whether or not I feel the need to share this struggle for all to read—maybe, maybe not.

Maybe people need to see a Christian battle through the wounds of the world, exposed, for all to see.

Maybe people only need to see the battle after the yellow tape has been removed, and the chalk lines cleaned up.

I do know that in time, peace will overtake what overwhelms me because my eyes are fixed on Jesus, and my heart is drawn to Him.

Write Where I Am

I found myself doing it again–contriving a blog post on a musing of life when I felt a slight cringe underneath the surface.

I can’t do this.  I cannot write another post omitting the mess from my mess.

I need to write where I am right now.

Truth be told, I am a mess on multiple fronts.

I am afraid. Yes, afraid. Afraid that maybe my husband might not make it through this cancer, and I am overwhelmed at the thought. So, I dismiss it as best as I can by avoidance, dismissal, an extra glass of wine, a smile, sleep, work, running, etc.

I feel like a hypocrite ministering to adults and children all the while seeing my very own stumble onto the broad path.

I am frustrated by rejection with my church. Why won’t they respond with a formal rejection letter? Isn’t this the proper response to someone’s request for employment?

I am angry at someone (you know who you are).  When I shared of Hubby’s cancer, you didn’t blink an eye, or say a word for that matter. No, not one. I feel like a lost sheep scattering about in furor without a shepherd.

I am discouraged that over half of my life was wasted in the vain attempt to please others, so to be liked, and while I succeeded, I’ve felt the fraud of self.

I am not proud of my issues. I wrestle with my thoughts. I hope to learn and live better because of them.

I wonder though, if I miss the purpose of writing.

To write where I am.

In the midst of this mess called life.

I came across and interesting side-note today while reading about the Pharisees and the adulterous woman debacle–

(The earliest manuscripts do not include 7:53-8:11)

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Why was this scandalous passage omitted from the original text?

Was it too raw for the earliest readers to digest?

I don’t know.

But, it is here, in the midst of the mess, that I wish to sit.

The places I do not desire to document are perhaps the exact places I need to delve. (If not, I will delete this post from all existence :))

Love,

A Messy Child of God